For the Love of All Things Holy....

If you only ever take one piece of advice from me, let it be this: DO NOT EVER HAVE HERNIA SURGERY! 

No, really, for the love of all things holy, don't do it. It was supposed to be an all easy peasy no big deal kind of procedure, which I could see might be true IF YOU WERE THE GUY HOLDING THE SCALPEL.

Truth is, there is nothing easy about this. It sucks in a big way. Now, I know I am going to hear from all of you with your c-sections, ectopic pregnancies and tubal ligation's. I get it, those sucked too, I'm not saying they didn't. What I am saying is, I was not, in any way, prepared for the amount of pain I am in after having my very small, teeny tiny, umbilical hernia repaired.

I have never been more thankful of a vaginal delivery in all of my life.

I can't move anything, it seems, without being in pain. Who knew your abdominal muscles were attached to your legs? I can't even stretch them without it hurting. I can't sit or lay comfortably and I am not really sleeping because I am a fetal-position side-sleeper and there is no way these muscles are letting me lay on my side. There is no sneezing or nose-blowing allowed (which is super convenient given the status of my seasonal allergies) and laughing is out of the question. I can't even talk about the thought of pooping...I am doing shots of Miralax and praying to the sweet baby Jesus that when it happens I don't pass out.

My mom and Jason have literally been caring for me like I am an invalid, rotating ice-packs in and out of the freezer, fetching me drinks and Vicodin and preparing me peanut butter toast. Jason has had to help me in and out of bed all week and he even had to help me get in the shower yesterday. I have reached all new lows.

The thing about this, quick little no big deal procedure, is that I am not a wuss. I have had plenty of surgeries and can handle my fair share of discomfort. But this? This pain in my gut that aches no matter what I do, even breathing hurts, has exhausted me.

I found out a few months ago that I had this little umbilical hernia because I would have a sharp pain occasionally when moving a certain way or when carrying something heavy. It would quickly go away and I would forget all about it.  The doctor explained that I probably got the hernia when I was pregnant with Joey, that kid is destined to kill me, I swear, and that I needed to have it fixed because some intestine or bowel or important organ could get stuck in the little hole and strangulate. If that happened, it was very serious and emergency surgery would be needed to save whatever important part of me got stuck in the hole.

Knowing what I know now, I say, who needs intestines or bowels anyway! I would just roll the dice and wait to see if something got stuck in the hole or not, it could be a fun little game. Because this recovery? Not fun! I was in ZERO pain when I walked in to the hospital on Monday morning and I was wheeled out miserable. It has been 4 days and I am hoping today will be the day I can walk actually standing up-right instead of hunched over like a troll. It's good to have goals.

So, yeah, things are less than pleasant around here right now and getting the call from Jack's school yesterday afternoon that he was in the nurses office not feeling good didn't add to the fun. Thankfully my Mom could run over and pick him up. He said he had a tummy ache and was tired, truthfully Jason and I were wondering if he was just trying to get out of school. He took a long nap only to wake up barfing his little guts out so I think that confirms we are a-hole parents for thinking he was faking and also, horrible pain and a barfing child? I am super lucky! (Again, thank God for my Mom handling him and all his pukieness.)

After a mini-puke fest Jack seems to be better today and the rest of us are all praying he kept his germs to himself (it only took 7 days of First Grade to bring home that bug) so the rest of us don't get it. As it turns out I am guessing puking would be more painful than laughing. I am hoping to not find out. In the meantime, I'll be on the couch and remember if anyone suggests hernia surgery to you, JUST SAY NO!


Post a Comment