What Never Was

When Jason and I decided we were ready to have kids it didn't take me long to get pregnant. I remember thinking there was a possibility I could be pregnant, but really couldn't believe it was actually possible, that it would happen so fast. He went out and bought me a pregnancy test and insisted I take it even though I assured him we were getting ourselves worked up for nothing. It is like an unspoken rule that people usually don't get pregnant the first month they try so the chances of me actually being pregnant were slim. I had been on birth control for years and before that day I had never had a pregnancy scare nor had I ever taken a pregnancy test.

I remember him standing outside the bathroom door as I peed on that stick. I remember the two of us waiting the few minutes that felt like hours for the results to appear. I remember telling myself not to get excited as I was freaking out inside. Jason was the one who read the results - positive.

We stood there staring at each other for a minute before the two of us held on to each other for deal life. There were tears and excitement and I remember asking him, "oh my God, now what?" The thing is even when you plan to have a baby and then make all efforts to conceive, it is still a complete shock when the test comes back positive.

That is what happens to people who are careful to NOT get pregnant for years - they can't believe what they've done when they actually do get pregnant.

I was so happy but so nervous too. I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about the whole thing and it admittedly took me a couple of days to wrap my head around the notion of a baby growing inside me. I can clearly recall Jason just being elated.

We told our immediate family and said we were not planning on sharing the news until after we heard / saw a heartbeat and were closer to 12 weeks. We had known so many people who spread the news they were pregnant and then miscarried and had to spread that news as well. I knew I didn't want any part of that.

I guess in my heart I just knew I should be nervous. I felt good and I thought that people who were newly pregnant usually didn't feel good. I had a constant worry about me. A couple of weeks after I peed on that stick, and a week after I actually became excited to have a baby, I started spotting.

I knew, in my heart, then that I would lose the baby. I remember calling my Mom in tears and her reassuring me that sometimes people spot and to just put my feet up and rest. I wanted to believe her and did what she said, knowing deep down that my baby was not going to be.

By the next morning I was bleeding so much the doctor ordered me in for a blood test and ultrasound. Just like I knew, and just like so many other women I know, I had miscarried. I sat on the exam table after the procedure to remove the tissue (a full D&C was not necessary, thankfully) sobbing and cramping. How could something I didn't even really have, or know I for sure wanted a few short weeks ago, make my heart hurt so much?

I can still hear the doctor explaining to me why miscarriages occur and that I should try and see the positive side of it, that my body was smart enough to know there was something not right genetically with the baby therefore it rejected it. That day, on that table in a gown bleeding and cramping, I could not see any good.

I grieved for that baby. The one I never really had and never knew. It changed me even for the few short weeks we were together.

I never went through another pregnancy without fear of miscarrying. I didn't feel the same excitement when taking the pregnancy tests that I did that first time, instead I felt worry. I told myself over and over for 12 weeks, please God let this one be okay and thankfully, they both were.

I still wonder about that baby, the one that could've been. I wonder if it would have been a boy or a girl or if he would've looked like me. I still think of that baby often and how my life would be different if we would not have lost it.

It was 7 years ago this month that I lost that baby...and 7 years ago next month I found out I was pregnant with Jack. Sometimes losing something that breaks your heart leaves you just enough of a hole that can be filled with something you never thought you could love so much.

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