Four Years Ago

I wonder if it is normal, or healthy, to count the anniversaries of the day you lose a loved one. It seems like it isn't, but still no matter how busy our lives are or what the day holds I still remember this day, the one four years ago anyway, when we lost him.

I remember the call and my screams Noooo. I remember begging Jason to tell me he was lying to me, playing some sort of sick practical joke on me instead. I remember the hospital room and his stillness and the feeling of complete unrealness, I know that's not a word but that is what it was, unreal. I remember trying to will him, with my mind, to wake up and talk to us. I wanted him to sit up and tell us it was a scare but not to worry because he was back. I kept staring at him, hoping and praying, dying a little inside for him to just open his eyes.

Four years ago today he left us faster and more suddenly than any one of us could have prepared for. There was no chance to make any wrongs right, to say things left unsaid or to tell him how much we loved him and how we wished he wouldn't go.

Four years ago he was just gone, taken from us forever.

I don't want to count down the weeks and then days as they approach this date every year. I don't want to remember this. I want to remember his laugh and the way he talked to my boys. I want to hear his grumbling and weird noises. I want to see him walking around the living room with his pants pulled up too high just to get a laugh out of us. I want to hear him make fun of me and call me Cheese one more time. I want him to know Jack and Joey as the big boys they are growing up to be. I want him to walk his daughter down the aisle this fall when she gets married. I want.....

I want so much I can't have back.

I know time heals, and we have in so many ways. The double edged sword is time doesn't let you forget. I have so many happy memories and then I have the final memories that are haunting. I miss him so much, not just today but most days. I miss him at the most random of moments, most pertaining to my boys. I believe he is with us in some way, no matter what we are doing.

Today was Jack's first flag football game and as I watched him lining up in his 3-point stance on the line, yelling hut, hut, hike, I missed him so much I could hardly swallow it down. It sat like a lump in my throat. He would have been Jack's biggest fan today at the game. I am sad at all he is missing in our lives.

He was a man that was larger than life when he was living. He is remembered because of that. We will miss him forever and remember him always.


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