No Guarantees

I don’t know what it is about that place that makes me want a baby the minute I walk in the office. I am pretty sure it is a place most women dread going to, even put off because ugh, really who wants an appointment that involves a speculum? Yet for the past two years I have gone to my annual OB/GYN appointment and the minute I walk into the all too familiar office, I yearn to be pregnant.

The place must pump something into the air.

Maybe it is because I am so wishy-washy on the have a baby, don’t have a baby crossroads Jay and I are currently standing at. We just don’t know, for sure 100%, which is the right path for us to take. Or maybe it is because I get to see all the people, my doctors, nurses, ultrasound techs, that I saw every week for so many months that they became like friends and family to me.  It is because of all of them that I made it as far as I did in my pregnancies and ultimately had healthy (enough) babies. They fought each week with me and they listened to my complaints and then quickly reassured me that yes, I could hold on one more week. When I was tired of it all and wanted to give up, they wouldn’t allow me to quit.

I go back and forth almost weekly on whether or not having a third baby is worth the risk. The hardest part was I really believed when I was done having kids I would know. I would have no doubts or second thoughts, but I would be 100% sure of my decision. Is that really how people know they are done having kids?

I am not sure, one way or the other. I am however aware that because of my pregnancy complications and premature babies I may not get to be the one to decide that I am done. My body may be making this decision for me and it will just have to be something I have to be okay with. Which I think I could be, but again, I’m not sure.

Most days I struggle to keep my head above the water with my boys and on those days I think, this is enough. It is, they are. I know how lucky I am that my situation had the outcome it did and that my babies were healthy. I also know that there is a chance that I may not be so lucky next time. There are no guarantees.

What gets me is my doctor telling me he thinks we can do it again. He thinks I could have a third, healthy baby. He admits it will be hard and that there will be struggles, but that at the end of it all I could have a baby. That’s the best prize ever.

As he talks and reassures me that I could do it again if we wanted to, I need to listen to my little voice reminding me that if I don’t get as lucky as I did before, I would be the one heart broken. My family would be hurt in a way that might never heal.

I am so thankful for the family I have and I might just be too chicken to try again, I just don’t know.