When Sleep Eludes Me

I am a sleeper. Always have been. I was the baby that slept through the night the first night my parents brought me home - and subsequently every night since. I love to sleep. I am happy getting a nap in and going to bed early. I feel best when I am well-rested.

As a little girl I would put my pajamas on before dinner and show up to the table ready to go to bed. I remember my Mom telling me no because it was simply too early. I had to wait a little longer. I was an unusual child in this regard. Most kids fight naps and bedtimes which I have learned first hand. Not me. I all but begged to get to bed.

The lack of sleep was my biggest worry when I first became a Mom. Surprisingly I adjusted like all new parents do. It was hard and I would be cranky, but I learned to live on less sleep. Eventually the exhaustion would catch up to me and I would become a miserable person to be around (as most new moms can be) and Jason would simply say, "Go to bed." He knows that sleep is a necessity with me. I can push myself on little sleep but I will crash and the only thing that makes me feel better is sleep. Lots and lots of sleep.

Needless to say I have always slept well. I don't need Ambien or even Tylenol PM to fall asleep. I always feel horrible for people who can't sleep since I know what being exhausted feels like for a short period of time I can only imagine what long-term insomnia must be like - torture.

Lately I have been waking up in the middle of the night, usually around 2am, and I can't fall back asleep for several hours. My mind starts spinning and all the stress and things going on in my life surface and I am up playing and replaying things in my mind. I find myself over-thinking most things sending me into a full blown panic attack of what ifs. I really, really hate the what ifs. Nothing good ever come of me going there.

I have full conversations with people in my mind, all the things I need to say come daylight that I never do, over and over. My points are solid and I am unemotional in the middle of the night - the discussions are easier in the dark when no one else is talking.

I stare at the clock and countdown the minutes. The few precious hours, then minutes, until my alarm goes off, dreading it with each passing tick. Since I get up at 4:30am three days a week to head to the gym, losing sleep on these days destroys me. I am up and running from that point on and have a full day of work then kids and life to deal with. But I am so, so tired and end up doing a half-assed job, I am sure.

Why this has recently started happening to me I have no clue. I go to bed early (since I am up before any living thing should be) and fall asleep quickly and soundly. Then it is like a switch is flipped and my mind is racing.

How do I make it stop? It is going to run me into a zombie before long and I don't do zombie well. Mama needs her sleep because what they say is true...If she ain't happy, no one's happy.

Let's hope for sweet dreams tonight.

2 comments:

  1. Love the story about you wearing your pajamas to the dinner table! Too cute! You say you're going to bed early. Do you think you're starting to get enough sleep at the point you're waking up?

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  2. Hi Jana! I found you from a comment on another site. I think it's funny that we are both married to Jasons. I have another Jana friend with a Jason husband. Must be a "thing"! Nice to meet you :)

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