Heartbroken

Tonight I was laying with the boys in their room before bed and right after we got all snuggled down and it was all quiet this conversation took place.

Jack: Hey Mom?
Me: Yeah?
Jack: Do you have to go to work tomorrow?
Me: Yeah, bud.
Jack: Then after tomorrow do you need to go to work the tomorrow after that?
Me: Uh-huh.
Jack: How many tomorrows after that do you need to go?
Me: Five tomorrows and then it's the weekend again.
Jack: I hate tomorrows.
Me: I know bud. Me too.

It got quiet again for a minute and then...

Jack: Mom, I love vacation because on vacation you stay with us for a long time without going to work.
Me: Heartbroken silence, lump in my throat and tears running down my face. I hate tomorrows too.

*For those of you who came here thinking my "Heartbroken" post was about the Bears, sorry to disappoint. It was a sad day to be a Bears fan, which I proudly am. Congrats to the Packers. I wish I could say I wish you all the best in the Super Bowl but you and I know I really want to see you lose. Until next year my friends....

Quitter


I wouldn’t describe myself as a quitter, but that is all I want to do right now. I have been working out regularly for several months now and haven’t seen the results I wanted. It has been hard work that requires me to get up before any living thing should have to and still I’ve seen no change.

After complaining for the millionth time to my husband about this, he was quick to tell it to me straight. I have the worst diet ever. I would not see my body change as long as my eating habits stay the same. Basically, he said I was wasting my time.

He was right. I knew it. He knew it. Hell, anyone who has ever met me and had a meal with me knows it. But, how could I change things. I only eat what I eat because that is all I like.  Sure I could change things like cutting out sugar and sweets, but how was I going to add protein when I don’t eat any meat except the occasional piece of chicken? Apparently protein is important in building muscle and all that jazz. If anyone should be seeing muscles being built, sculpted, toned, for the amount of exercise being performed it was me.

So I followed in the footsteps of my sister and friends and bought a BodyMedia Go, Wear, Fit armband. It is made by the same people that make the Body Bug that they use on The Biggest Loser. Surely if it worked for them,  this tool would help me.

I wear this arm band all day long, even when sleeping, and only take it off to shower. It tracks my steps, sleep efficiency and calories burned throughout the day (which it turns out sitting at my desk all day – NOT HELPING.) I log all my meals and then it tells me if I have a calorie deficit for the day or if I went over the amount of calories I am allowed. It is great. Really it is so helpful and interesting, except still no change.

Since I don’t get enough protein from the foods I currently eat, I went and bought a protein powder so I can make myself a protein shake. I have been eating hard-boiled egg whites like it is my fucking job and did I mention the cardboard tasting protein bars (except the Special K pb ones…those are tasty.) All that and still – NOTHING.

Frustrated? Angry? Sore and Exhausted? That is me.

To add to my bitterness it is cold and ugly outside. I know I live in Chicago and it is January and that equals miserable weather but all that makes me want to do is throw on my sweats, climb on the couch and eat a pop-tart (or twelve) and hibernate.

As you can see my motivation? Less than motivational. Still I get up before dawn, head outside in my sexy flannel jammies with the dogs on them and Ugg boots (you are welcome for the visual) to start my car so I can head to Boot Camp and try again.

I keep trying but what I really want to do is quit.

Exercising should make you feel good and strong and full of energy and toned. I don’t. I feel tired, sore, flabby, hungry and sick of egg whites and protein bars.

Someone please pray I find the motivation, the will, to keep going or come spring I am going to walk out of my house in enormous sweat pants covered in pop-tart crumbs.

Won’t I be pretty?

When Sleep Eludes Me

I am a sleeper. Always have been. I was the baby that slept through the night the first night my parents brought me home - and subsequently every night since. I love to sleep. I am happy getting a nap in and going to bed early. I feel best when I am well-rested.

As a little girl I would put my pajamas on before dinner and show up to the table ready to go to bed. I remember my Mom telling me no because it was simply too early. I had to wait a little longer. I was an unusual child in this regard. Most kids fight naps and bedtimes which I have learned first hand. Not me. I all but begged to get to bed.

The lack of sleep was my biggest worry when I first became a Mom. Surprisingly I adjusted like all new parents do. It was hard and I would be cranky, but I learned to live on less sleep. Eventually the exhaustion would catch up to me and I would become a miserable person to be around (as most new moms can be) and Jason would simply say, "Go to bed." He knows that sleep is a necessity with me. I can push myself on little sleep but I will crash and the only thing that makes me feel better is sleep. Lots and lots of sleep.

Needless to say I have always slept well. I don't need Ambien or even Tylenol PM to fall asleep. I always feel horrible for people who can't sleep since I know what being exhausted feels like for a short period of time I can only imagine what long-term insomnia must be like - torture.

Lately I have been waking up in the middle of the night, usually around 2am, and I can't fall back asleep for several hours. My mind starts spinning and all the stress and things going on in my life surface and I am up playing and replaying things in my mind. I find myself over-thinking most things sending me into a full blown panic attack of what ifs. I really, really hate the what ifs. Nothing good ever come of me going there.

I have full conversations with people in my mind, all the things I need to say come daylight that I never do, over and over. My points are solid and I am unemotional in the middle of the night - the discussions are easier in the dark when no one else is talking.

I stare at the clock and countdown the minutes. The few precious hours, then minutes, until my alarm goes off, dreading it with each passing tick. Since I get up at 4:30am three days a week to head to the gym, losing sleep on these days destroys me. I am up and running from that point on and have a full day of work then kids and life to deal with. But I am so, so tired and end up doing a half-assed job, I am sure.

Why this has recently started happening to me I have no clue. I go to bed early (since I am up before any living thing should be) and fall asleep quickly and soundly. Then it is like a switch is flipped and my mind is racing.

How do I make it stop? It is going to run me into a zombie before long and I don't do zombie well. Mama needs her sleep because what they say is true...If she ain't happy, no one's happy.

Let's hope for sweet dreams tonight.

From '10 to '11

I learned a lot this past year. Some of the lessons were easier to learn than others but I think after looking back at 2010 it is fair to say I picked up a few important things along the way.

That being said, I am totally okay with sending it packing. I am happy it is over and feel positive facing 2011. It wasn’t a bad year but one that forced me to look at things differently than I ever have before. It was difficult to do but the life lessons were plenty.

Things I learned or things that happened to me in 2010:

1.    I make me happy. My mood is my own and how much I let others influence it is also up to me.
2.    Mom guilt is real and it sucks.
3.    My husband got a new job. It is still a job (and work is not generally fun) but it allowed him to feel good again. For that reason alone, I love that job.
4.    Loving where you live can be more important than loving everything about the house you are living in at the moment. It can also motivate you to turn that house into a home you love. We are doing just that.
5.    Two of my sisters got married and I was lucky enough to gain a brother-in-law and sister-in-law. Both are blessings.
6.     I joined a Boot Camp class and get up at 4:30am to workout. I told myself I would do it so I could be healthy for my kids and I am. It sucks but I get my butt up for them (and my skinny jeans...)
7.    Loving someone and treating them with love and respect are two different things. They are both hard to do.
8.    My kids amaze me. Every. Single. Day. I am so proud to be their Mom.
9.     You can’t pick your family but that doesn’t mean you need to like them, agree with them or allow them to mistreat you. Chances are at some point you will feel this way about every family member you have – and they will feel the same way about you.
10. I have the greatest friends. I feel bad for people who don’t have friends like mine.

I rang in 2011 at home with Jason and my boys. It was perfect and Jason & I realized this was our 12th new year’s eve together. Being married is hard work, but that man makes me want to be better at it.

I have big plans for 2011 and can’t wait to get started. Happy New Year!