Silent


Sometimes it is just easier to say nothing. I am sure there are times when it is better to feel nothing as well.

Because to have to say something means you actually have to admit to what you are feeling. You have to put it, you, out there. That is hard and requires honesty and balls. Truth be told, I am fresh out of a set of balls these days. So unlike me.

The thing is once you say nothing, it gets easier and easier to say. You never have to talk about your bad day or why you can’t just get yourself together. Why you can’t just be happy. I sometimes think being happy and being thankful are confused. They are, in fact, very different.

I am thankful. So truly, very, deeply thankful for my life and all that I have. That is not the same as being happy in it. Yet I find myself feeling guilty and unappreciative if I say I am unhappy.  No one wants to hear the girl with the happy marriage, healthy kids, house in a nice neighborhood, decent job, a nanny taking care of her kids and doing her laundry complain. I get that. I would think I was ungrateful if I didn’t know me.

So I have started to say, well, nothing. Griping takes a lot of energy and leaves you feeling worse than when you started whining. Silence is so easy. No effort, no balls, no hurt feelings, no guilt. Simple.

There is a good reason why people spend shit-loads of money on therapists. Learning to talk, honestly and openly, is hard work. I should be able to say what I am feeling without having to feel guilty for feeling it, for saying it. Sometimes things need to be said that hurt people’s feelings, but are true nonetheless, and still need to be said. 

I started writing here as therapy for myself. So I could have a place to share things about myself and my life and the struggles and laughs I encounter along the way. A place I could look back at and see how I’ve grown and a place my kids could someday come to learn about me. I am not doing that honestly and openly lately. I am struggling to find the perfect balance of just enough said…

So I say nothing at all.

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