Wishes

I know it isn’t always going to be easy. Or fair. I know there will be times, sometimes only a day and sometimes more, that I will feel like I can’t get it right. When I will feel like everything I am doing, every decision I make, is wrong.

It would be great if I didn’t feel so alone when these times hit. When they cover me like a blanket and I feel like suffocating is imminent.

If I didn’t feel like it was all my fault.  Like it was solely my responsibility to figure it all out and fix it all up.

I would love to feel like you always had my back and no problem big or small would be too much for us to solve. Because we could do anything as long as we were doing it together.

I wish I didn’t feel like I had no control. None over you or them or us, as we just slip and slide down the hill, praying when we land at the bottom we are still us. All together. Okay.

Sometimes I wish I could just talk it out and between you & I we would find the answers.  I hope that they would be good answers that actually would work in real life, our life.

I just wish it wasn’t so hard.

As much as I know all of that and wish it were sometimes different, I am certain of this; I would not want to go through these hard times with anyone but you and them. I would rather fight with you for them, for us, than for anything else in this world.

I would like to fight through these times with more patience, support and love. I want to trudge through them with less blame and hurt. I wish we didn’t keep score, but because we are human we do. We both want to win and in turn we both end up losing sometimes.

I will continue to work through the stormy times, when I am uncertain of what I am doing and if it is right or wrong, and hope one day it will be easier and I will feel like I got it right. That we got it right.

Mostly, though, I just wish it wasn’t so hard.

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