I am in a funk this week. You know the kind where you wish you could stay in jammie pants in bed, hiding under the covers watching bad Lifetime movies and occasionally eating ice cream right out of the container.  Ice cream just tastes better that way and you can actually dig for the chunks you want to eat (example: chunks of Oreo cookie) and you can’t do that when you scoop it into a bowl. Plus, then you also have dirty dishes, which is a negative no matter how you look at it.

Anyway, back to my point, and yes I had one. It has been a yucky, long week.

We got home on Sunday night from my sister’s wedding and the boys were sick. Not sick like dying sick, just miserable, snot-faced, whiners sick. They were needy and wiping their snotty noses on every surface imaginable in the house. It was unpleasant.

We were all tired and they were sick so we got not nearly enough sleep. Have I mentioned how I feel about sleep? I could do it full-time, like a job only it would be better since there would be less work and more sleep. I really, really love it.

Then Jason left to go out of town for work on Monday and wasn’t coming home until Thursday. That left me with work, sick kids and little sleep. It just keeps getting better.

I got home from work on Monday and our super-nanny was looking not so happy. Turns out my kids were complete ass faces all day and she wanted to kill them. I offered her Vodka, apologized over and over (all the while praying to God and whoever else might listen that she didn’t quit) and told her I would handle them and to go home. Clearly by the look on her face it had been a long. bad. day.

After she left, I told the boys they were not allowed to watch cartoons all night due to their horrible behavior. They flipped out, of course. I might as well have banged my head into the wall at that very moment. Because, well, DUH. Them not watching cartoons is a punishment for them, yes, but also a huge punishment for me. I was not thinking about this and completely screwed myself. Next time their punishment will be to clean the bathtub. That would have been in my best interest.

They were in rare form all night and since there was no TV to distract them (or me) they kept running through my house screaming and tackling each other. Then one would get hurt and then there was crying, which led to more whining and snot. I came to the conclusion they were very tired, and still sick, so they were medicated and in bed by 7pm. I know this seems early but Monday Night Football was on and I was not missing the Bears game for whiny kids and their usual bedtime is between 7:30 – 8 so this wasn’t actually that early.

Tuesday proved to be slightly better during the day, and yes, the super-nanny did show up on Tuesday morning (thanks be to God for that answered prayer.) It was Tuesday night when I decided to take the boys grocery shopping after work, but before dinner, that might have been a not-so-smart idea. Who does that? What kind of a mom thinks taking their kids to the grocery store is ever a good idea? Let me state for the record, it is a BAD idea. Grocery stores kind of suck on their own and they do not get less sucky when you add a snotty 4yr old & 2yr old to the mix.

Overall, they were not that bad in the store. Unless of course you count Jack asking me to buy everything he saw. You know your kid is spoiled when they are begging you to buy a can of tomato paste because they really like the picture on the can and they really want to get sooomethinnngg. Lord help me the whining was world class.

We left the store with a cart full of groceries, arms full of silly bands and I was exhausted. Needless to say after all that, and due to my lack of culinary skills, I made Ramen Noodles and Crescent Rolls for dinner. Yes, I am a mom who feeds my kids Ramen Noodles. Go ahead, judge me if you want to.

Wednesday wasn’t too eventful and the kids were feeling a little better. Joey pretty much slept with me the entire week, with his snotty-nosed snoring in the background. He also enjoys sleeping right next to me and he occasionally rubs my cheek and strokes my hair. I don’t like being touched when I am sleeping. It feels like I have bugs crawling on my face and in my hair. This ruins my sleep and I think we have already covered how much I love sleep. The child has a perfectly comfortable bed. Why he must sleep in mine, I have no idea.

When Thursday arrived, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Jason was coming home! Then I walked downstairs in the morning and Joey proceeded to stand in front of me and pee his pajamas right there in the living room. Nothing like cleaning up a puddle of piss and urine soaked child before 7:30am. Have I mentioned how special my sweet Joey is? He flips me off when I’m not looking I know it.

Thankfully Jay made it home safely and the boys were thrilled to see him. I got home from work just in time to change and run Joey to swim lessons. There are few things Joey likes as much as he likes swimming right now. He loves the water, is jumping in on his own and is really starting to get the basic skills of actual swimming (kicking and “scooping”) down and it is only a 30 minute class so he can stay focused that long.

The bad thing about swimming is that I have to get in the pool with him. Once I am in, it is usually not that bad. It is the making sure my legs and lady parts are groomed properly and the whole shove my large ass into the swimsuit part that sucks. Well that and the cold water.

So last night we are swimming away having a grand ole time when I hear the instructor on the pool deck announce, “Everyone out of the pool.” I turn around to look at the clock since I was sure it hadn’t be 30 minutes yet since I could still feel my nipples (don’t ask I have cold nipple issues) and that is when I see one of the kids in the class being quickly hoisted out of the pool by her Dad.

“What’s the matter?” I ask. The instructor’s reply is, “She threw up and there are chunks in the pool.”

Lovely. Just how like to spend my Thursday night, swimming with puke chunks.

That was when we all scurried out of the water and the swimming teachers started what I could only assume was the checklist of HAZMAT procedures that must be followed when there is chunky puke in the pool. One grabbed the skimmer and began fishing the chunks out of the water. Yes, yes you did read that right; there was puke-skimming occurring. That is so wrong on so many levels. The other teacher grabbed the necessary chemicals and hoses needed to kill all the puke-germs and then pump the water through the filter.

Let me mention the thing I hate worse, way worse, than not enough sleep is puke. I do not do vomit. I am a totally wuss and will actually cry real tears if faced with a pukey situation. It causes me great anxiety and panic attacks. I know I have kids. I know I should be able to deal with this, but I cannot, do not, WILL NOT!

Also, being in the pool where the poor kid (and I felt horrible for this sweet little girl) vomited was not a good time for me. Thankfully Joey and I headed straight to the shower. He didn’t seem to mind the puke and proceeded to tell Jason all about how “chunks were puked in the pool.” SO. GROSS.

I am hoping for a better day today but since it started at 4:30am with boot camp, after which I weighed myself to learn I have actually gained ANOTHER pound, things aren’t looking good. I love busting my ass at the crack of dawn only to gain weight. Starving myself has got to be easier.

**FOOT NOTE: This week wasn’t all bad. The Bears did beat the Packers on Monday night. BEST. WIN. EVER. Go Bears!


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