I Can't Kill Them So I Might As Well Eat Ice Cream

A few nights ago, Jay & I went out for a walk with the boys. I have been on a bit of a mission to lose a few pounds since the bridesmaid dress I am supposed to be wearing to my sister’s wedding next month hardly zips. There will be Spanx involved and even then, when I am smooshed into the spandex casing like a sausage, I am not certain it will fit. I had started my mission to get back in to shape (like I was pre-full-time job) before I even had the dress. I signed up for this Boot Camp at my gym and have been busting my ass at the 5am class three days a week for five weeks now. It is hard, and early in the morning, and oh so hard. I thought this was just the thing I needed to jump-start my workouts and get me on track. I imagined my new toned body complete with rock hard abs.  It would be hard, sure, but well worth it.

Boy, was I wrong. In the five weeks since I started boot camp, aka HELL, I have gained (as in added) 2 pounds. TWO POUNDS. I can only swear when discussing this or I start to seriously consider blowing my fucking brains out.

The best part is, I was dumb enough to sign up for the next 8-week session. Clearly, I am BAT-SHIT CRAZY.

Anyway, I digress. Back to the walk….so in addition to boot camp I have been trying to add a few walks in at night after work as well. Like I mentioned, we are all out on our walk, Jay pushing the kids in the stroller, me yelling at him for not keeping up, etc. when Jason decides to turn off our neighborhood sidewalk and into an alley that runs behind the “downtown” businesses. This alley is like many alleys. It is dirty, lined with stinky dumpsters and employees who are hanging out the back doors smoking. I instantly start inquiring about why he took us this way and why do we need to cut through here and on and on. It is at this time he asks the kids “Who wants ice cream?” Ice cream? Are you fucking kidding me? Of course, the kids erupt with “I do’s” and I have lost the battle. Make that the war.

What you do not know and Jason knows all too well, is that I have a love, a deep, passionate love for ice cream. It is the one bad for me food item I wish I could eat everyday. I have zero self-control when it comes to ice cream, absolutely NO CONTROL.

Needless to say, I am irritated as all hell because my walk, for exercise, just turned into a walk for ice cream, which are two very different walks! So I start yammering on and on to Jay about how I am going to be fat forever and never fit into my dress and how he is a jerk for suggesting this. You get the idea. This is his response:

Jay: Hey Jack, do you know what people do with crabby Mommies in alleys?

Me: [giving Jason an evil eye and a look like you are fucking kidding me, right?]

Jack: No, there are crabby Mom’s back here? Are they locked in that fenced area?

Jason: No, you get a big digger and you dig a hole and then you….

Jack: You throw the crabby Mommies in the hole?

Jason: [Starts laughing under his breath, looking at me with a face that says “Isn’t our son so cute?”]

Me: This is just perfect. Way to go father of the year. This will be a great thing for him to tell his friends at school.

Jack: Do we just kick the crabby Mommies in the hole and cover them up? [giggling – waiting to see if his Dad laughs too]

Jason: [laughing but trying not to but he sucks at it and Jack hears his laughter]

Jack: We do! We just knock the mommies in the hole and bury them all up!

Me: [shooting razors out my eyes at my husband, the jackass.]

Jack: That is funny…a hole with crabby Mommies all buried up….(and on and on he goes)

Me: Really? You are not going to stop this?

Jason: [still laughing] I was just teasing Jack. We don’t bury crabby Mommies in holes. Mommies are special.

Me: That was convincing.

We turn into the Cold Stone Creamery and as we order the boys treats, I am going around and around in my head with myself on why I DO NOT need ice cream. Jason orders some healthy-ish fruit flavored ice-cream like Peach or Strawberry (who in the hell orders plain Strawberry ice-cream at a place like Cold Stone Creamery? Freaking weirdo.) When I shoot him a look that says I want to kill him for taking us here he simply tells me not to order any if I am so worried about it. Like that would ever happen – me go to an ice-cream shop and not eat the ice cream. That is just idiotic and I am not strong enough to walk out of this sweet, waffle-cone smelling establishment without some.

So I order Cake Batter (the sugar-free, light variety tasted horrible, I tried it) but then told the girl preparing it to go easy on the Heath bars and light on the caramel. I feel ridiculous saying it, but I do anyway. Jason looks my way after hearing my request and laughs. I shoot him a look like I want him to drop dead. Oh yeah, and I know just the spot to put diet-destroying Daddies.


Post a Comment