Drowning

I am stuck in this feeling. It is like someone has a hold of my shirt and is pulling me ever so slightly backwards. Sometimes it feels like something is tugging at my feet, just yanking me down. The pull is firm and steady. Almost constant. Gravitational.

I know it takes a lot of work to keep up with my life. My life being: my husband, our kids, the dog, our house and all it contains, my job and myself. There is a natural order of priorities within that list that end up skewed occasionally no matter how hard I try to keep them on the straight and narrow. I have the best intentions. The problem (or what I think is the problem most days) is that my life is not really in my control most of the time. Everyone else runs it.

I start the day with a well laid out plan. My list of things I am going to accomplish seems organized and doable. But then something happens. The kids get sick and need doctor appointments, we need milk (and ten other things) from the store, the dog needs her meds refilled and her nails trimmed, the kids have no clean socks, bed sheets need changing and Jack’s school project is not complete…I could go on and on. Something always happens. Then before you know it I have skipped my jog, the floors did not get vacuumed and the laundry was not folded or put away. It is 8:30pm and the dinner dishes are on the counter and I have not sat down once since I walked in the door. That day’s simple list was shot to hell. At this point all I want to do is crawl in my bed, under my covers and pretend I am somewhere else.

I keep telling myself it will get easier once we get a regular schedule with our new (soon to start) nanny. She will help keep things more organized around the house and with the boys. Everything won’t always be last minute. Maybe then I will be able to stop and enjoy things for a moment instead of racing the clock and my list, my life. I never seem to be able to run at a pace that can keep up.

There has to be a way out of this feeling. The pulling and tugging, the drowning, that I am desperately fighting against. Now if only I could find the time or energy to figure it out.

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