I haven't been writing lately, not because I don't want to or need to, just because I find my life so busy and I haven't made the time. After the last few weeks I am quickly learning I have to make the time. The fog in my head is thick and I need help clearing it and reminding myself how lucky I am (it can be easy to forget, sadly.)
Today was one of those days. The kind where you were just tested and tried, over and over. Lots of little things pile on getting under your skin and then before long you want to crawl out of your own body.
Joey had his 6 year old check-up today. I was expecting a pretty uneventful, quick appointment. We saw his allergist last week so had already been through his laundry list of meds and asthma plans. This was supposed to be an in-and-out visit. I reminded Joey in the waiting room that I expected his best behavior. He has been very sassy lately. He talks to me like I am his personal servant and when things don't go just right, he yells and screams at me about how I am ruining his life. His mood swings rival most 17 year old girls with PMS. He has been threatened, he has been punished, he has come within inches of Jason killing him...and still he gets in these moods where he is completely disrespectful.
It was when the doctor mentioned that he was going to prescribe him eye drops for his allergies that it went down hill. Joey quickly belted out "No way, they suck!" I immediately told him we don't talk like that and that the drops would help his itchy eyes. I'm not sure what I was thinking talking reasonably to an unreasonable child. He was quick to snap back, "I mean it, Mom. They suck!" At that I told him more firmly that he could not talk like that. He then started punching his fist into his hand like he was looking for a fist fight. Yes, you read that right. He was punching his hand like we were going to fight. At the same time he tells me, "I will break your face if you make me use those eye drops."
Umm, excuse me? Break my face? I dropped dead.
No, seriously, WHAT? I wanted to get up and whack the shit out of him but the pediatrician was sitting in the room with us. I warned him again about his sassy mouth, told him he was grounded and had zero privileges after school, etc and he just kind of smirked. Nothing, I repeat NOTHING is more irritating than a 6 year old embarrassing and disrespecting you all while being a smug little shit about it. After a quick talking to from the dr about how there are consequences for bad behavior and how he didn't think Joey was funny, we got the hell out of the doctors office.
I was beyond angry and embarrassed and did I mention so very, very angry? I was at my wits end with this kid and his sassy mouth. He knew I was pissed because I stormed out of the building as he chased behind me. He tried talking to me in the car on the way to drop him at school, making small talk and I was not taking the bait. I was giving him the silent treatment. When we got to school he told me he was sorry and he loved me. I told him I was too angry to talk but I loved him no matter what.
I had the afternoon to cool off.
When I picked both boys up from school it didn't take long to see my fight was just beginning. Jack fought me about doing his homework, what snack he could have, and on and on. Nothing was easy. They were trying to kill me. I felt worn down and frustrated.
We got through homework and as Jack ran out to play for the few minutes before we had to leave for his baseball practice Joey had the balls to put his shoes on like he was heading out to play with him. I actually laughed at him. This kid was for real. He was actually thinking he was just going to run out and play like he wasn't a total asshat earlier today at the doctor! Unreal.
I quickly reminded him that there was absolutely zero chance his sorry ass was leaving the house for any sort of fun and the breakdown ensued again. I was the worst mom ever. I was so mean and if I didn't want kids why did I even have him to begin with! TOO LATE FOR THAT WARNING, JOE. Thanks for nothing. He ended up in his room, door slammed screaming and crying. It was 4:15pm and I considered drinking. I still had to get through dinner, baseball practice and bedtime alone since Jay is traveling for work tonight. Deep breaths.
We make it through dinner, we freeze through baseball practice and as we walk in the house at 7:45pm I tell them simple directions. Take off your shoes, get ready for bed, choose a book to read. They begin screwing around. Jack is whining he can't get his spikes off, Joey is messing around doing a whole lot of nothing I have asked and before long they are wrestling with the dog. There is pushing and jumping and shoving and Sugar's 110lb. ass is ramming into Jack which pushes the chair he is sitting on (supposedly taking off his goddamn spikes) into my side table holding some of my plants. The table crashes over breaking my pots, spilling dirt everywhere, sending glass flying everywhere.
That was it. The straw, the camels back, the cherry on top, the last motherfucking straw. I was DONE. I had reached the point where nothing good will come out of me. I yelled and screamed. They stood stunned crying how it wasn't their fault. I went all mommy dearest on them. It was ugly.
They both ran off to bed sobbing and trying to plead their cases. Joey kept asking me why I was so angry and mean. I couldn't even yell anymore because I knew I would cry. I felt horrible for yelling at them like that. I hate that I feel worse than they appear to after a blow up like this.
My only question to them is why can't you just listen? Just follow directions and listen. No answer.
Some days are harder than others. Sometimes work sucks, sometimes being married sucks, sometimes family members suck. For some reason whenever I feel like I suck as a parent, as a mom, it sucks more than anything else ever does.
I have never loved two people more in my life. I have also never wanted to blow my brains out more because of those same two people. I guess the ones you love the most don't always guarantee it will be easiest to love them.
Today was tough and I feel like a total failure, but I am weathering the storm. I am having a drink, writing it out, hoping a good nights sleep will make tomorrow a better day.